i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:27:51 GMT

oh, for fuck sakes, this place was meant to be a safe haven.

i won't be on again for a long time.

tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 05:07:13 GMT

they always forget how hard it is for the one who does the leaving.

she'll be fine, if she isn't already, i think. and. she'll take her memories and some lessons and pack them up into a little gilded box under the bed, to take out and look through its contents every rare once in a while, in between holding someone else's hand, a nostalgic smile playing on small lips. i wear my memories always like a noose, like a ball and chain.
i can't. i just can't keep doing this to myself.

im living in the shadow of a heartbreak that i cannot and will not let myself get over.
not in the sense of loss, but in the sense of the lesson i took from it.
im more fragile than they know. i take these things like dying more-than-a-little inside each time.
how can anyone willing inflict the pain of loving on themselves? it's the worst loss i can imagine. all i can associate it with anymore is loss. unkissable everywheres.

i start out relationships counting down to their end, and, every time i let someone make me happy i want to run away, to give up.
every beautiful moment hurts. every kiss is like a pang, a tiny knife-twist in my stomach. i forget for a moment of course and lose myself in whatever, but i always rememberdon't let yourself enjoy this, it will end.
a silent, involuntary mantra.
im completely serious about this, and i don't know if anyone else experiences it this way, because i'm pretty sure the species would die off is people were all as easily emotionally traumatized as i am.
each and every kiss is just a reminder of how much more it will hurt when it ends. and, given that this particular relationship was, as usual, proving itself detrimental to my emotional well-being, constant nerves bunched in panic, i just..
i can't take this crushing weight.
it just hurts. so. fucking. much.

and she's there and she's soft and has big sad quiet eyes, and i don't know what to do. and my voice is all cold and monotone when i talk to her because it hurts to look into them and. the feeling of remembering not every kiss leaning against a school locker, not every sunlit morning with bare toes cold against the kitchen floor making breakfasts saturated with color additives and waking up tangled together with still-slightly-showerwet-hair, but just a memoryblur of a several-month-long glow. but somewhere it stopped feeling like i was healing and it just started to hurt, yknow, and now that i have my space i'm knee-deep in my own issues to wade through.
i'm not emotionally equipped for you to lean on. i shatter so easily.
my mind isn't an entirely healthy one either, you know.

i need to be alone so badly, wow. i'm lonely and i'm terrified but i need to stay this way for awhile. or i'll just keep playing out the same mistakes i know i'm making, but dont know what they are.
i'm such a muddled mess of contradictions here.
(i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry)

Check Yr puLse

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 06:39:09 GMT

thankyoushirel for the referenceimage ehehheh

( every sentence another lachrymal cliché )

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:16:19 GMT

The soft braille of a tongue lets you feel whole,
the insipid lyricism of a kiss
caging you up in filigree and bone.
So much meaning derived from a sigh,
you think you own the feeling
of the notches in her spine.
Excavating bliss through phalanges intertwined.

A many splendored thing, hardly.
Honey lips? –– No, acidulous kiss,
spines curving together in the shape of a heart,
human leaches sucking on cerebral chemistry.

In the absence of sentiment the tongue is a silent machine
peppered with nerves and blue veins.
The heart is a muscular organ in the chest,
pumping only blood. Fear is a synapse that we called love.

in case anyone didnt know

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 16:30:33 GMT

capitalism kills, shoppers trample walmart worker to death. repulsive.
society makes my head ache.

blue veins white skin

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 04:22:18 GMT

my girlfriend is shaped like a victorian beauty. tiny lips and a sprinkling of freckles, aphrodite curves. im justabit terrified and exhilarated because it's been so long since i've just let go. i've been so guarded for so long, yknow, a padlock around my heart.

also, i am seeing mindless self indulgence live in a week. there are no wordsss for how excited i am. ohmann.

heartshaped face

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:26:50 GMT

this is my last week of highschool, ohman. this is exciting like nothing else but also sad because teenagers have a certain glamour and innocent charm i'll miss so so much. it's just. something so weird and alive that most slightly-older-than-highschool people have lost.
my sunscreen smells like oranges but it tastes like balloons.
there is this pretty girl i like to kiss. with freckles, and big-blue eyes very wide apart like a koala bear. yesterday at our graduation she matched her tongue jewellery to her blue dress. she dressed up all her other piercings with little diamonds, d'awww. ^.^
now i have only three exams left and then i am donedonedone.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:07:54 GMT

everyone kindof sneers when i tell them im so hoping to get the movie theater job but all i can think of aside from the horror stories of aaaaahgross overbuttered popcorn and disdainful managers is money equals freedom. i started saving up to move out when i was twelve.

i dont mind you keeping me on pins and needles

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 04:57:20 GMT

got into my fine arts program, veryvery excited for next year. i hope its rigorous and intensive and draining. no half-assed art classes for me.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 01:51:01 GMT

im only comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
i like to fuck situations up because that is where i find my peace.
i bet alot more people do that than they realize. happiness is not necessarily what we are striving for.

where does it go when it's gone?

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 06:24:54 GMT

perfect bestfriendtwins are worth more than teenage boyfriends, anyways.

at first bite freedom tastes like a bit of death.

but that is just the fear talking. let go and go on.

everything's okay. :)

everytime i look for you the sun goes down.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:31:56 GMT

i feel so good. i havent had one of those weeks where i just kinda plunge into a miserable mood in months. yummy yummy effexor<3!
the snow here is sometimes above my head but soon it will be melting. i have alot of projects due for school, and shirel is my partner in all of them, and when we get together to work we just raid my fridge and my closet full of stripes and polka dots and pearls and take pictures and work never happens. its unproductive but wonderful.
i am going to post some of the pictures because i think they're pretty. :)
i'm stuck at home on a friday but its nice and i'm drinking baileys.

my non-blood sister, my platonic girlove♥

we are so alike. we sit around watching the horror channel on tv and laughing, eating candy and saltythings and talking about our future apartment for which we have already bought christmas decorations..almost nothing is secret here. i love these days.

p.s....does anyone wanna be facebook friends? :P

i am

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:56:59 GMT

awake but not quite.
i am sick and the fever cradles me in its cold hands, tracing goosebumps along my skin. my body feels like a furnace inside of it, though. my throat is sandpaper raw, like desert thirst.

hmm i am cutting up fabrics for art.

rachel leaves tomorrow for good and i am making a solemn promise to write to her and send her drawings this time. now you have it in print ♥

waking up dead inside my head will never never do there is no medicine to take

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:09:10 GMT

threeish months left of high school. what is life like, on the outside?
less than a month until i turn seventeen. i never look forward to my birthday.
my meds frustrate more than they help. i dont need pills, i need people to surround me with beautiful things. i need to learn how to be my own lover. i need to learn to see the world different.

birdnest hair

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 07:55:08 GMT

we are monsters peeking out from the couch.

sarah plus michel.
who is basically exactly me but in boy-form. only he's not afraid of anything like i am.

this is good.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 19:10:28 GMT

i have nothing to say.
there is nothing going on with me, and that's too much to take.

happy pills.

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 18:48:45 GMT

fucking hell.
i dont know what to do.
ive been perscribed effexor anxiety pills, and i was so looking forward to trying them and seeing if i could live feeling like a normal person. but then i read the online reviews and they really freaked me out.
no sex drive, massive weight gain, supposedly you become very addicted to effexor..

im so frustrated. i dont even want to take them anymore. but im so sick of being paralyzed into silence, of everything, of shaking hands. i dont fucking know anymore. and i only took the first one and i guess it should be worth a shot, but its supposedly such a miserable experience to stop taking them. im not sure its worth putting myself through it. fuck.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 02:49:52 GMT

no matter how much i think i change, i am forever trapped.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:46:22 GMT

why does it take another person to make me happy? i can only feel good about myself if i am making someone else glow.

inothernews, everything is wondrous.
♥

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:52:09 GMT

everything just gets to me more and more these days.
it's a sinking feeling, all the time.

it is like waking up every morning with this grey feeling of certainty in the pit of your stomach that the plane is going to crash before you realize that you are not even flying.

apples

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 03:42:18 GMT

ps. i kidnapped the apples-on-pants idea from someone else/some website. :(

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 03:35:11 GMT

i am cutting up poetry in the shapes of big clouds on my walls. they will rain teardrops painted on cutouts from unfortunate and dull newspaper articles. from the ceiling in another corner a glow-in-the-dark galaxy hangs from pink sewing threads. i have a mirror i am surrounding with pictures of the people i lovelovelove. lily, if you do come to montreal, i need to take a picture of you for this mirror, because no one should belong up there more. my shelves are covered in painted canvases from my art class and other ones sewn with intricate designs. filling up this room is what keeps me sane.

lately i really deeply believe in everything happening for a reason. maybe kindof like fate, or at least that everything that happens must be. this creeps me out a bit because it almost feels like believing in god, and i dont know how i feel about that. it feels wrong to even say that, is that weird?

yesterday i forgot my buspass and had to entirely rearrange my plans for getting to my painting class, and when i ended up at the metro station two hours later than planned i ran into the exboyfriend for the first time in at least half a year. it was nice and i was genuinely happy to have seen him, and he hugged me and told me he was being sent soon to drug rehab for a minimum of three months. curious that i ran into him just in time before he left.

fall is a season of revitalization and i feel great.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 01:24:58 GMT

there are far too many things to need in the world.
and there arent always people to pick up your pieces.

So what keeps you sane in life?

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 03:21:08 GMT

i have had an epiphany and discovered why i feel so tense, so energized, so nervous, so alone.
why i sit in my classes thinking ohmygod i am going to scream or explode or melt and i cant get through the next 70 40 20 10 minutes of this. how is everyone else sitting there so normal, cant they tell how draining everything is? i was a mess a the end of last week but right now i cant remember what thoughts were going through my head. just lonely lonely lonely. i have very few real friends and they dont seem to glow for me anymore.
also, i missed you like hell because i realized that extra component to the way you smelled had been autumn all along. you smell like weed and boyishdeodorant and cigarrettes, but baby..you smell like autumn.
but i figured out that its not quite you i miss, its being the supporting actress in someone else's life, you know? what a relief. im going to do nothing to remedy that little problem because i want to be entirely alone, aside from friendships.
i am bored and lonely and. most importantly. i have nothing and noone to get me through the days or the weeks.
and i dont know what to do.
so i started to draw this week
and ive been drawing up a storm, all day scratchscrathing with my pen on paper
my favorite subject mostly i.e. punk lesbians, yeayeah!
and ive been working super hard in class, and taking notes, and listening, and the whole thing.
because i need something to pour my energy into.
this is boring, im boring these days but i cant help it.
i havent seen anyone outside of school for the past three weeks. i am trying to shut several friends from school out of my life but damn those things cling like barnacles.

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 14:29:55 GMT

i can smell fall in the air and it brings back memories of what it was like when we were new.
suddenly you are always my first thought in the morning again. how shy we were.

there is a weight, and taste and smell to missing you.
and after all this time, it hangs over me still.