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tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation
Posted on 2009.02.08 at 23:21
they always forget how hard it is for the one who does the leaving.
she'll be fine, if she isn't already, i think. and. she'll take her memories and some lessons and pack them up into a little gilded box under the bed, to take out and look through its contents every rare once in a while, in between holding someone else's hand, a nostalgic smile playing on small lips. i wear my memories always like a noose, like a ball and chain.
i can't. i just can't keep doing this to myself.
im living in the shadow of a heartbreak that i cannot and will not let myself get over.
not in the sense of loss, but in the sense of the lesson i took from it.
im more fragile than they know. i take these things like dying more-than-a-little inside each time.
how can anyone willing inflict the pain of loving on themselves? it's the worst loss i can imagine. all i can associate it with anymore is loss. unkissable everywheres.
i start out relationships counting down to their end, and, every time i let someone make me happy i want to run away, to give up.
every beautiful moment hurts. every kiss is like a pang, a tiny knife-twist in my stomach. i forget for a moment of course and lose myself in whatever, but i always rememberdon't let yourself enjoy this, it will end.
a silent, involuntary mantra.
im completely serious about this, and i don't know if anyone else experiences it this way, because i'm pretty sure the species would die off is people were all as easily emotionally traumatized as i am.
each and every kiss is just a reminder of how much more it will hurt when it ends. and, given that this particular relationship was, as usual, proving itself detrimental to my emotional well-being, constant nerves bunched in panic, i just..
i can't take this crushing weight.
it just hurts. so. fucking. much.
and she's there and she's soft and has big sad quiet eyes, and i don't know what to do. and my voice is all cold and monotone when i talk to her because it hurts to look into them and. the feeling of remembering not every kiss leaning against a school locker, not every sunlit morning with bare toes cold against the kitchen floor making breakfasts saturated with color additives and waking up tangled together with still-slightly-showerwet-hair, but just a memoryblur of a several-month-long glow. but somewhere it stopped feeling like i was healing and it just started to hurt, yknow, and now that i have my space i'm knee-deep in my own issues to wade through.
i'm not emotionally equipped for you to lean on. i shatter so easily.
my mind isn't an entirely healthy one either, you know.
i need to be alone so badly, wow. i'm lonely and i'm terrified but i need to stay this way for awhile. or i'll just keep playing out the same mistakes i know i'm making, but dont know what they are.
i'm such a muddled mess of contradictions here.
(i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry)
she'll be fine, if she isn't already, i think. and. she'll take her memories and some lessons and pack them up into a little gilded box under the bed, to take out and look through its contents every rare once in a while, in between holding someone else's hand, a nostalgic smile playing on small lips. i wear my memories always like a noose, like a ball and chain.
i can't. i just can't keep doing this to myself.
im living in the shadow of a heartbreak that i cannot and will not let myself get over.
not in the sense of loss, but in the sense of the lesson i took from it.
im more fragile than they know. i take these things like dying more-than-a-little inside each time.
how can anyone willing inflict the pain of loving on themselves? it's the worst loss i can imagine. all i can associate it with anymore is loss. unkissable everywheres.
i start out relationships counting down to their end, and, every time i let someone make me happy i want to run away, to give up.
every beautiful moment hurts. every kiss is like a pang, a tiny knife-twist in my stomach. i forget for a moment of course and lose myself in whatever, but i always rememberdon't let yourself enjoy this, it will end.
a silent, involuntary mantra.
im completely serious about this, and i don't know if anyone else experiences it this way, because i'm pretty sure the species would die off is people were all as easily emotionally traumatized as i am.
each and every kiss is just a reminder of how much more it will hurt when it ends. and, given that this particular relationship was, as usual, proving itself detrimental to my emotional well-being, constant nerves bunched in panic, i just..
i can't take this crushing weight.
it just hurts. so. fucking. much.
and she's there and she's soft and has big sad quiet eyes, and i don't know what to do. and my voice is all cold and monotone when i talk to her because it hurts to look into them and. the feeling of remembering not every kiss leaning against a school locker, not every sunlit morning with bare toes cold against the kitchen floor making breakfasts saturated with color additives and waking up tangled together with still-slightly-showerwet-hair, but just a memoryblur of a several-month-long glow. but somewhere it stopped feeling like i was healing and it just started to hurt, yknow, and now that i have my space i'm knee-deep in my own issues to wade through.
i'm not emotionally equipped for you to lean on. i shatter so easily.
my mind isn't an entirely healthy one either, you know.
i need to be alone so badly, wow. i'm lonely and i'm terrified but i need to stay this way for awhile. or i'll just keep playing out the same mistakes i know i'm making, but dont know what they are.
i'm such a muddled mess of contradictions here.
(i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry)