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Posted on 2010.04.20 at 21:18

Posted on 2009.03.01 at 22:27
oh, for fuck sakes, this place was meant to be a safe haven.

i won't be on again for a long time.

tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation

Posted on 2009.02.08 at 23:21
they always forget how hard it is for the one who does the leaving.

she'll be fine, if she isn't already, i think. and. she'll take her memories and some lessons and pack them up into a little gilded box under the bed, to take out and look through its contents every rare once in a while, in between holding someone else's hand, a nostalgic smile playing on small lips. i wear my memories always like a noose, like a ball and chain.
i can't. i just can't keep doing this to myself.

im living in the shadow of a heartbreak that i cannot and will not let myself get over.
not in the sense of loss, but in the sense of the lesson i took from it.
im more fragile than they know. i take these things like dying more-than-a-little inside each time.
how can anyone willing inflict the pain of loving on themselves? it's the worst loss i can imagine. all i can associate it with anymore is loss. unkissable everywheres.

i start out relationships counting down to their end, and, every time i let someone make me happy i want to run away, to give up.
every beautiful moment hurts. every kiss is like a pang, a tiny knife-twist in my stomach. i forget for a moment of course and lose myself in whatever, but i always rememberdon't let yourself enjoy this, it will end.
a silent, involuntary mantra.
im completely serious about this, and i don't know if anyone else experiences it this way, because i'm pretty sure the species would die off is people were all as easily emotionally traumatized as i am.
each and every kiss is just a reminder of how much more it will hurt when it ends. and, given that this particular relationship was, as usual, proving itself detrimental to my emotional well-being, constant nerves bunched in panic, i just..
i can't take this crushing weight.
it just hurts. so. fucking. much.

and she's there and she's soft and has big sad quiet eyes, and i don't know what to do. and my voice is all cold and monotone when i talk to her because it hurts to look into them and. the feeling of remembering not every kiss leaning against a school locker, not every sunlit morning with bare toes cold against the kitchen floor making breakfasts saturated with color additives and waking up tangled together with still-slightly-showerwet-hair, but just a memoryblur of a several-month-long glow. but somewhere it stopped feeling like i was healing and it just started to hurt, yknow, and now that i have my space i'm knee-deep in my own issues to wade through.
i'm not emotionally equipped for you to lean on. i shatter so easily.
my mind isn't an entirely healthy one either, you know.

i need to be alone so badly, wow. i'm lonely and i'm terrified but i need to stay this way for awhile. or i'll just keep playing out the same mistakes i know i'm making, but dont know what they are.
i'm such a muddled mess of contradictions here.
(i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry)

Check Yr puLse

Posted on 2008.12.27 at 01:32

thankyoushirel for the referenceimage ehehheh

( every sentence another lachrymal cliché )

Posted on 2008.12.18 at 20:07
The soft braille of a tongue lets you feel whole,
the insipid lyricism of a kiss
caging you up in filigree and bone.
So much meaning derived from a sigh,
you think you own the feeling
of the notches in her spine.
Excavating bliss through phalanges intertwined.

A many splendored thing, hardly.
Honey lips? –– No, acidulous kiss,
spines curving together in the shape of a heart,
human leaches sucking on cerebral chemistry.

In the absence of sentiment the tongue is a silent machine
peppered with nerves and blue veins.
The heart is a muscular organ in the chest,
pumping only blood. Fear is a synapse that we called love.

in case anyone didnt know

Posted on 2008.11.30 at 11:15
capitalism kills, shoppers trample walmart worker to death. repulsive.
society makes my head ache.

blue veins white skin

Posted on 2008.06.23 at 00:03

things, things, lovely things that are happening to me.Collapse )

heartshaped face

Posted on 2008.06.13 at 13:04
sounds: beyourownpet
this is my last week of highschool, ohman. this is exciting like nothing else but also sad because teenagers have a certain glamour and innocent charm i'll miss so so much. it's just. something so weird and alive that most slightly-older-than-highschool people have lost.
my sunscreen smells like oranges but it tastes like balloons.
there is this pretty girl i like to kiss. with freckles, and big-blue eyes very wide apart like a koala bear. yesterday at our graduation she matched her tongue jewellery to her blue dress. she dressed up all her other piercings with little diamonds, d'awww. ^.^
now i have only three exams left and then i am donedonedone.

Posted on 2008.04.13 at 21:56
everyone kindof sneers when i tell them im so hoping to get the movie theater job but all i can think of aside from the horror stories of aaaaahgross overbuttered popcorn and disdainful managers is money equals freedom. i started saving up to move out when i was twelve.

i dont mind you keeping me on pins and needles

Posted on 2008.04.11 at 00:53
mood: nice
sounds: birthday massacre

got into my fine arts program, veryvery excited for next year. i hope its rigorous and intensive and draining. no half-assed art classes for me.

Posted on 2008.03.23 at 21:49
im only comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
i like to fuck situations up because that is where i find my peace.
i bet alot more people do that than they realize. happiness is not necessarily what we are striving for.

where does it go when it's gone?

Posted on 2008.03.19 at 02:23
mood: kindof happy
sounds: inlovewithallmylovers - bratmobile

perfect bestfriendtwins are worth more than teenage boyfriends, anyways.


at first bite freedom tastes like a bit of death.

but that is just the fear talking. let go and go on.

everything's okay. :)


everytime i look for you the sun goes down.

Posted on 2008.03.14 at 20:11
mood: happy
sounds: blink 182 :O
i feel so good. i havent had one of those weeks where i just kinda plunge into a miserable mood in months. yummy yummy effexor<3!
the snow here is sometimes above my head but soon it will be melting. i have alot of projects due for school, and shirel is my partner in all of them, and when we get together to work we just raid my fridge and my closet full of stripes and polka dots and pearls and take pictures and work never happens. its unproductive but wonderful.
i am going to post some of the pictures because i think they're pretty. :)
i'm stuck at home on a friday but its nice and i'm drinking baileys.

my non-blood sister, my platonic girlove♥

we'll have halloween on christmas, and in the night we'll wish this never ends.Collapse )

we are so alike. we sit around watching the horror channel on tv and laughing, eating candy and saltythings and talking about our future apartment for which we have already bought christmas decorations..almost nothing is secret here. i love these days.

p.s....does anyone wanna be facebook friends? :P

i am

Posted on 2008.02.24 at 22:45

awake but not quite.
i am sick and the fever cradles me in its cold hands, tracing goosebumps along my skin. my body feels like a furnace inside of it, though. my throat is sandpaper raw, like desert thirst.

hmm i am cutting up fabrics for art.

rachel leaves tomorrow for good and i am making a solemn promise to write to her and send her drawings this time. now you have it in print ♥

waking up dead inside my head will never never do there is no medicine to take

Posted on 2008.02.23 at 22:00
mood: hmm
sounds: slow cheetah - redhotchillipeppers




threeish months left of high school. what is life like, on the outside?
less than a month until i turn seventeen. i never look forward to my birthday.
my meds frustrate more than they help. i dont need pills, i need people to surround me with beautiful things. i need to learn how to be my own lover. i need to learn to see the world different.

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